im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
