yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
