After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
