wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
