just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
