My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Welp...herpes.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
