Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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