i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
