dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
