I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
