Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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