you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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