I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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