it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
