Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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