Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
