guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize