all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
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