Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
