Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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