I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
