I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
she told me i tasted like america
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
