I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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