Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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