who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
