my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
