Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
