I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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