did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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