yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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