we have pet lesbian snakes
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
