I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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