it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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