Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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