That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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