I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
