If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
