It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
