Your mouth is God's brothel.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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