Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
