So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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