dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize