he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
