so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
