i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
