well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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