I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
