Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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