I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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