My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just want to make out with him forever
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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