The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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