I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
