hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
