What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
