To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Randomize
