im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
