Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
