My nipple is on Facebook.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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