I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
