I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
