I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
