I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize