also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He shit in the fireplace
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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