if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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