I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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